Day 20: Inner Truth
"And when he had called the people unto him with his disciples also, he said unto them, Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me." Mark 8:34 Happy Twentiethth Day of Thanks Everyone! I give thanks for real assessments of the heart and a raw, honest vulnerability that allows me to speak my inner truth. There are some themes of thanks that are a little harder for me to write about because sharing, being vulnerable and letting folks into my life and space is not easy. Sometimes, it's not even easy for me to surrender to the truth about myself. I have been a seer all of my life and come from a long legacy of seers. Since I was four or five years old, I can remember having my first set of dreams where I could see something that would eventually take place in real time. God has also gifted me, and a host of my family members, with the gift of knowledge (discernment) to "know" about people--their pasts, presents, futures- and things that most other people would not know. Coupled with this gift of knowledge, I have always known that I have been "called" to ministry. But, if I can be honest, I have been running from that "call" almost all my life. And no matter what I do or did, I could never shake it. Tell me, reader, how many people do you know check the box of "I want to be a pastor all my life?" The first time I heard someone declare that I was called to be a pastor, I quickly said "The devil is a liar!" I decided that the person had to be telling a fib because that calling was not for me cause Lord knows I did not even like people like that! (They get on your last nerves ALL the time!) I could not see myself trapped in the four walls of a church building, dealing with the same hard-headed, rebellious folks who needed reinforcement, like children, all the time to get their messy lives together. Let me tell you how funny God is. Since God knew that I would never really adjust to the idea of being boxed into the four walls of a church building to deal with people, He set my life up to "do" ministry wherever I am and with whomever I am. In every setting I lived in from my boarding high school to college to medical school, God has had people come to me for prayer, Godly-advice, and to walk out their lives with them to get them to a mental and emotional freedom with God. I eventually set up small bible study groups (what people call "Life groups" now) in each of these settings and had regular pow-wow or prayer sessions with the folks in my small groups. Oftentimes, God sent and still sends to my life people ("assignments"), who most people would deem societal misfits and "unloveable" but, who are really in need of the spiritual, mental, and emotional surgery that only the love of God can do. You know what God then does? God tells me to be a genuine friend to these people and to walk out life with them NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. Can I tell you that the "no matter what happens" part sucks big time! Do you know how frustrating it is to love someone who, because he/she is too hurt to receive the genuine love that I am offering, constantly hurts me, with words, deeds and behaviors? Can you imagine how angering it is to know that these people are doing some pretty messed up things to me and God tells me, "you're on assignment; stay right there; you can't leave yet!" I wanted and still want to tell God every time He sends these type of folks to me, "screw this! I'm out!" (And no, you do not get to judge me right now! When you live it, come talk to me!) Imagine the heart break of knowing before time that you are going to pour all your love into someone or something only for him/her/it to reject you back, walk away from you or not produce the fruit that you sewed into the process. "Yeah, how do you like those apples?" I'm reminded of the prophet Hosea in the Bible. God told him that his "assignment" was to marry a prostitute, who ran away from his love and cheated on him constantly. Every time his wife backslid, left, and cheated, God told Hosea to go find her, take her back in, and continue to love her. I can imagine feeling the hurt, embarrassment, and frustration that Hosea felt each time he had to go find his wife and take her back because I have felt like Hosea more times than I can count with my "assignments" and having a ministry of reconciliation with them. I can now imagine how God feels dealing with us, His "assignments." Talk about having to fellowship with God in his suffering! I remember my little cousin asking one time "according to these I Corinthians chapter 13 scriptures, how is unconditional love not abuse?" I also remember one of my favorite pastors saying, "if you have been called to be a pastor, God has inherently given you the grace to love the unloveable." After having to love my "umteenth" unloveable person, feeling rejected, and having the external noise of voices telling me that I had to be defective for letting people be that close to me and loving them whole-heartedly, I remember telling God one time, "So this is my life? This is what you "called" me to? I hate this and I do not want to do this anymore! Go find someone else for this nonsense!" I walked away. Or at least I thought I was walking away. In my head, it seemed like a great idea. But, I have no idea why I thought I could walk away from God. Remember, that scripture that says even if I make my bed in hell, God is there with me. I don't even know where else I thought I was running to because in the next minutes later I found myself praying. I'm shaking my head at myself right now because I couldn't even successfully walk out of God's presence or not speak to Him for a few minutes. It was hopeless! In that prayer time, I realized that there was no way I could shake or rebel against this calling of being a pastor or shepherd, even if I wanted to do so. God told me that I needed to stop rejecting who He made me to be. I had spent so much time internalizing the external voices that made me feel like I was "stupid" for "letting people use or take advantage" of me or for "not having the boundaries" they thought I should have. God was gently reminding me that there was a reason and purpose for every assignment He had given and was giving me. He reminded me that He didn't make me defective, but knew exactly how He had made me and wanted me to be comfortable with my design as well. He told me that often people would not understand my uniqueness or what He was doing in my life and that I couldn't hold myself to anyone's mirror or standard except His. Oh boy was that a revelation within itself! My mirror had to reflect God and His standard, not my feelings or emotions or other people's opinions. God also let me know that I was in the greatest preparation for my life, the most important ministry of all--motherhood/parenthood.This ministry is not for wimps! In this ministry of motherhood, I get sucker punched and worn out all day every day. When my daughter does and says some unloveable things, bruised and heart broken, moments later, although frustrated, I'm still there with open, loving arms ready to shower love on her and tell her that she is forgiven and that my love for her is so deep and wide for her that NOTHING would change it. It is through this ministry that I have become a true pastor and shepherd and no longer run from the calling on my life. I now understand the inner truth that every "assignment" was equipping me for this "assignment" and the "NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS" is the motto and mantra of my everyday for the rest of my life. My inner truths are: I am who God says I am. I can do everything God says I can do, even motherhood to a child with autism. I am not defective for wearing my heart on my sleeve, giving all of myself to something or someone, loving people unconditionally and wanting to walk out life with folks, even if they don't do the same for me. I want to be a blessing to everyone in my sphere of influence and share the love of God with them. When my heart is hurt or wounded, I can run to my daddy, God the Father, and He will love me back to wholeness and repair all the damage. God protects me from everything and everyone who seeks to do me and my daughter harm. My answer to God is always (eventually), "Yes, Lord, I surrender." As I give thanks for my inner truths today, I invite you to embrace some or ALL of your inner truths too. Discover what they are and rest comfortably in them. I also invite you to bless the organization, Random Acts, (www.randomacts.org), who specializes in inspiring acts of kindness around the world. They connect caring folks with others to encourage and support them as they help to change lives for the better. Love ya,
Have a great day of thanks!
Σχόλια