Day 2 : Inner Healing
"Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow." Psalm 51:7, NIV:
Happy Second Day of Thanks Everyone!
I give thanks for soul care, emotional health and well being and the process of purging one's heart of unhealthy emotions, characteristics, traits and patterns for inner healing to occur.
For the past few Saturdays, I have been awakened in the very early hours of the morning for prayer and to subject myself to a complete heart check by God. Thank heavens God is so gracious and merciful because each Saturday, I have failed my heart check, miserably. I'm found wanting because there is still something else to purge, to forgive or to release. There is more secret woundedness exposed, another hidden hurt to address, and more anger towards someone surfaced. Geez! The bible was not lying when it says that the heart is deceitfully wicked. Here I am thinking I am good and okay! (Wrong!)
Because I don't want any hindrances, impeding me from reaching my next level of destiny, I want so desperately to do the work of inner healing. This particular Saturday, my prayer was for God to search my heart to see if there was any residual anger in me. If there was, I wanted God to help me to clean it out. (I should have known to be careful about what I was asking for.) Almost simultaneously as I was saying my prayer, God was revealing a person with whom I was angry and the situation that still makes me "tight" when I think about it. However, it was time to forgive, repent, renounce the anger I had towards the situation, and release it and this person from my grip of vengeance, if I truly wanted to have inner healing.
*** I've changed the names of characters***
The situation... A former friend (Mary) was dating a gentleman (Nick) who was very emotionally and psychologically abusive to her. He cheated constantly, married another woman, destroyed her self-esteem, and did what I consider unspeakable things. But, since she wrapped her worth in "having" him, and the soul tie between them was ridiculously strong, she was okay with staying. I've had my share of having to get friends away from physically abusive situations and am ready to show up with a bat swinging, if a friend tells me I need to do so. However, I'm not one to intertwine myself into someone else's relationship, especially when I know they are not ready to leave. I encourage the person as much as I can and tell them that when he/she is ready to leave and need my help to do so, I'm here.
While in this relationship, the young lady's personality begin to take on the character traits of this gentleman. She became a pathological liar for no reason, highly insecure, and an emotional leech who sucked the energy out of the people in her surrounding. Because God had me interceding for her, at times when she was in serious trouble, God would reveal what was happening so that I could pray specifically for her. But, no matter what, I just encouraged her.
During one of her gentleman's disappearing episodes with another female friend, she called me completely undone. She was now pregnant by this man, completely devastated and didn't know what she was going to do. Understanding and feeling her distress, I invited her to come to my house, get her head together and figure out the next steps in her life. As I often do, I made my house a sacred space. I availed myself to be a listening ear, where there was no judgement but comfort and love. As she talked, I prayed in my head that God would give her peace about having her baby and strengthen her for her journey ahead. I never told her what she should do, but left the onus of her decision to her. She wrestled with the decision all night and by morning's day break, she decided to have an abortion. A few days later, when she made her appointment, since this gentleman was still no where to be found, she asked if I could pick her up from the clinic. I took a half day off from work to pick her up to make sure she was okay. I showed complete love and support to her. We ate lunch together and I let her share her thoughts and what she was feeling. At lunch, she said that she was very surprised that I didn't judge her or condemn her for her decision. (I'm always fascinated by people's perception of me.) I told her that I knew what it was to sit in that seat and have to wrestle with the same decision and knew that it wasn't an easy choice to make. I also told her that since we were both clear about what our belief system said concerning the issue, there was no need for me to beat her over her head with our belief. I asked her how she came to her final decision and I was blown away by her response. She said that she saw how I had become very intentional about breaking generational cycles and how Lilah was growing up exposed to love that was different than what we experienced. She said that she didn't love herself enough and couldn't break the cycle of how she was raised and knew she would be imparting that into her child. My heart had such compassion for her.
After I made sure she was safe and okay, I went home and had a complete emotional melt down. Seeing my friend in this situation and going through this type of heart break riped my soul to pieces. I cried for almost 2 hours on the phone with my best friend at the time. I was so devastated for her and disgusted by how this man did not show up for her at all. It hurt that she was going back home to him and subjecting herself to the same situation.
We talked regularly but we didn't see each other. She chalked it up to her studying and running around to prepare for her big move across the country to accept a new job. About a month or so after she left the state for this new job, she called me and told me that she was pregnant again by this same gentleman and almost eight months. I'm on the phone like "Why are you just telling me that you're pregnant now? I thought we were friends." She was on the defensive about how her pregnancy had nothing to do with me. Although I was real pissed off and hurt by the projected defense mechanisms and what she was saying, I stayed quiet because I don't believe in pregnant woman being in any kind of distress. I asked her about the gentleman; she mentioned that he told her he wanted nothing to do with her or the baby and to get an abortion. (Now, it was starting to make sense why she chose that option previously and why this gentleman was no where to be found.)
I asked her is she was okay and if she had a support system in place where she was. She told me she had some needs for the baby. Although I didn't really have the finances, I told her that I would make a way to get those things for the baby so that she could have what was needed. I made connections to plug her into my network of Sisterfriends (a mommy mentor network) so that she would feel supported where she was. I ordered and had the stuff for the baby shipped directly to her.
Shortly after, a mutual friend of ours (Bria), concerned for Mary asked me if I could help her and starts telling me about Mary's situation. At first, I had more compassion for Mary because Bria's version of the story was totally different than anything I knew and had more complexities to it. In my head, I'm becoming more concerned for Mary and her baby thinking of ways I could be more of a support to my "friend." When I asked Bria for more details of the story, I realized that Mary told Bria a completely fictitious version of the story and acted as if she had no support. When I told Bria that her knowledge of the story was not grounded in truth and that I had supported Mary as much as I could. She was upset and confronted Mary. I'm not sure what was said, but knowing Bria's personality, I'm sure it was very harsh and abrasive.
I never heard from Mary again but through the grapevine heard of all these accusations against me. My anger was not so much on the basis of our friendship dissolving. Mary's situation was toxic and it would have eventually poisoned the friendship. Additionally, her gentleman friend also hated my guts and couldn't stand to be in my presence and since he was still sporadically in the picture, I knew sooner or later I would not be. (The devil can't stand light and truth!) I was angered by the fact that after seventeen years of being a great friend to this person, she abandoned the friendship without saying a word and spewed accusations about me to others that were baseless. I always showed firm love, encouraged, and supported her in every way possible to the best of my ability. I constantly prayed for her. I was always honest and truthful and confronted her directly; I also gave her whatever sound advice that I could offer when she asked for it. I had never done anything to her or said anything about her with malicious intent. I was a real friend.
Until this very moment, I was never directly or personally confronted about anything that she accused me of to our mutual friends and have never discovered from her what her real issue(s) were with me. It made me feel like she faked seventeen years of friendship to use me for "the support" that she needed and was receiving. I also feel like she was waiting to invent something to walk away from our friendship because it was easier than her dealing with her own inner issues. Mary made it very clear throughout our friendship that she could not and would never be like me...meaning that she would never have sex out of wedlock or be a single parent. (Although I think it is disrespectful when people tell me things such as this, I chuckle when people think I'm their worst option in life because it usually means that I'm going to end up being their model mentor sooner or later.) I was going to be the reflection in Mary's mirror and it was a hard pill for her to swallow and too much humble pie for her at one time.
Back to me...
Here I was sitting on my knees, a few minutes before not even thinking this was an issue in my heart, and God was saying "You ready to stop being angry about this?" (Lawd have mercy!) My reply was, "yes God." I forgave her, out loud, for abandonment and the lies. I asked God to forgive me for allowing unchecked anger to be harbored in the compartments of my heart for so long and holding this young lady in the grip of my unforgiveness. I renounced the effects of anger in my life, my attitude, my behaviors and told it to leave. As I was praying, I could feel the burning sensation and stirring in my chest. Finally, I invited the peace of God to enter my heart so that this issue would no longer have residence in my heart. Almost immediately, I felt a calmness over me and the burning in my heart ceased. This is not the first "lay it down at the altar" moment for this issue but, hopefully the last.
Getting free (deliverance) and doing the work of inner healing is not easy. But, I'm grateful that God is gracious enough to have mercy on me, when I take the wheel and try to do His job, and gently exposes my faults and invites me to get back on track.
Today as we give thanks for inner healing, I'd love for you to support the organization, doTerra Healing Hands Foundation, https://doterrahealinghands.org/donate, whose mission is to help people and communities worldwide to become self reliant. One hundred percent of your donations go to aid since all the company's overhead and administrative cost are donated to the foundation.
Have a great day of Thanks!
For further reflection:
* Think of one issue/person (this may include yourself and folks who have transitioned from this life) in your life that has had a negative impact on you and is begging for your forgiveness or release and decide today whether you are going to forgive them or not. *Write the person's name or the situation down on a piece of paper.
*Out loud, declare: I forgive (person's name) for (what they did). I release them for (what they did). I ask for forgiveness for holding the hurt of (what they did) in my heart and letting it fester. I command (the painful feelings/emotions) to leave my heart and I invite peace, joy, and love to reside in its place instead.
* As a prophetic act of dissolution, burn the piece of paper.